In the words of a 23-year-old of the Facebook generation, 'I'll be alright. But it will be crap for everyone else.'
Ben died quietly. He had no choice really, we turned off the machine. We had no choice really, that's how it's done now. Slowly, over 15 minutes his heart stopped. I was there, my hand never leaving his chest, dry eyed then. Stunned. The tears well up as I write, almost a year later like it was a day.
I remember his still, once strong body, but his form isn't good after weeks in intensive care. Tube feeding is not for body builders.
The oldest of our five, Ben studied science, medicine in his sights, healthy, not wealthy and wise beyond his years. What's that lump on your leg Ben? A cyst? Five months later and ... God, can this be happening to us?
The cubicle is a maze of high technology, administering life but not health. He lies etherised on the bed while the nurses come and go, whispering of Mike and Angelo, while tending syringes and cannulas, monitors and drains. The respirator pumps him up and down, graphing every breath. His vital signs are a roller-coaster, bad news one day, one hour, false hope the next.
Only two days before being put back into a coma, he went for his 'walk'. Debbie the physio came with her walking frame. No, said Ben, I'm going for a walk with James.
Thank you, James, for Ben's perfect day. For wheeling Ben and bed and portable life support into the sun of the car park. This is perfect, said Ben, sunglasses perched on his shaven head. What's with the sunnies Ben? The sun can give you cancer, he said. Two days later, he was gone.
*****
He did not tread lightly, our Ben. Brawny in body and mind, he knew the story, and if he was under illusions they were deliberately chosen. Physiology and anatomy were his loves, he read medical journals, he knew this cancerous malfunction was rare and probably fatal.
I'll be alright, he said near the end, but it will be crap for everyone else.
Ben decided how he would die. He died 'like a man' when that phrase meant something deep without offence. He found no sense in baring his heart, leaving others to suffer more. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. He did our mantra proud to the end, rejecting