Squarely back into the school year, dinner table conversations with our kids have included strategies for dealing with bullies. We are by no means alone; a 2016 survey of 20,000 Australians students found one in four respondents (27 per cent) reported being bullied.
Apparently, bullying 'was more common for year 5 students (32 per cent) and year 8 (29 per cent)' — the grade levels of our boy and girl respectively — and, while 'bullying by females tended to be more covert, males were more "in your face" about it'.
While I'd dearly love to be the 'parent nonpareil', with the right words and apt advice, it's not that simple. The variables of personality and situation mean there is no easy, perfect answer.
The old 'fight, flight or re-write' principle comes into play, as parental advice is dispensed. Stand up for yourself. Make yourself scarce. Change the situation with some unexpected empathy, or engagement. Carry yourself well, eyes up; work on your poker face (not responding or buying into teasing, so as not to reward the bully).
My perennial advice to refrain from focusing on petty stuff, letting minor irritants be 'water off a duck's back', also comes in handy.
Competition is a given in life. Genuine instances of bullying, however, as opposed to honest disagreements or competitive scenarios, are characterised by an imbalance of power. The Bully Zero Australia Foundation defines bullying as 'an abuse of power by someone who is stronger physically, verbally, mentally, socially, electronically, politically or financially'.
An imbalance of power and nous makes for testing times. Whereas humour, attempts at compromise, or enforced empathy may work in some cases, communication often fails in others. This leaves your progeny trying to work out what 'confrontation' looks like in their world.
In the bad old days, physical violence was more prevalent and accepted among peers. I had a collarbone snapped in defence of my lunch in grade eight (a hungry classmate was trying to pinch my sangers when we tripped and he squished me — and the sandwiches). These days it would be a huge mess; back then, it meant proudly eating my lunch at the local surgery and revelling in an unexpected holiday from school.
"I have faith that my kids will survive the crucible of school bullying better equipped to resolve conflicts. A core message is both altruistic and practical: your strength does not come at the expense or whim of another."
A few years before, as an 11-year-old picking on my younger sister in the back seat of the Kingswood, my mum taught me a lifelong lesson with a flurry of well-timed, semi-powered jabs and a beautiful right cross (leaning over the front seat).
Here's another, favoured example; an ex of mine, when a grumpy teenager, was grudgingly washing the dishes. Her little brother was wiping them up, even more reluctantly. She was throwing her weight around, physically slapping down the sibling as brothers and sisters tend to do, when in desperation the boy took the tongs he was drying and affixed them to his sister. Parental intervention saved the day, although the lady is still, to this day, leery of tongs.
Violence is not the answer, although my son's karate lessons do provide me with some reassurance. We are more enlightened these days, thankfully, and anti-bullying policies in schools rightly frown on violence; even in self-defence.
Finding, maintaining or elevating your place in the pecking order in your family, at school, work or your sporting club doesn't just happen. Choosing how to deal with a social situation is hard-won knowledge that serves us throughout our lives; it's often gained through painful and humiliating experiences.
Ultimately, they do have to work it out for themselves. I have faith that, like most of us, my kids will survive the crucible of school bullying better equipped to resolve conflicts. A core message around our table is both altruistic and practical: your strength does not come at the expense or whim of another.
The bullying survey I cited about schoolkids also found that 'peers are present in 87 per cent of bullying interactions, mostly as onlookers who do nothing to help the victim'. As much as they can safely do so, we entreat them not to be that cowed onlooker — stick up for yourself, for your mates and for others. It's a policy we can all try to model.
What sage advice can you proffer to back up my efforts; how have you dealt with bullies?
Barry Gittins is a communication and research consultant for The Salvation Army.