Raising girls in an unjust world

How we learn to deal with painful situations, as women, is often a matter of good counsel. We cannot always control circumstance and we cannot always protect ourselves, or protect ourselves from judgemental attitudes. It can be particularly challenging for some men to overcome beliefs around equality and trust when a relationship has faced difficulties. It's important for women not to self-blame and to work for a more equitable world. I remind myself to value the good in a relationship and work to overcome the negatives.

I remember, years ago, hearing an excellent talk given by a lady doctor who worked for the Commonwealth Medical Officer. She said most men incarcerated had serious psychological or psychiatric problems. Obviously being temperamentally inclined to violence is one of these problems. Some men may very well be this way, but, like a tendency to paedophila, the ailment does not excuse the crime. Obviously alcohol is a real problem with men like this. It may also help to turn down, even turn off, a woman's natural wariness around a man with felonious intent. Gender based anti-violence programs do not impress me as I think we need to focus on a certain number of men with these violent tendencies. Not all men are rapists by any stretch of the imagination but there are an awful lot of potential rapists out there. I think women can, and should, learn the danger signs; assertiveness skills and some practical self-defence like Krav Maga. Unlike the 'smashee plankee' sort of martial arts, which emphasise feats, KM is brutally practical as it was developed by a Jewish man in Eastern Europe in the 1930s for practical protection from fascist thugs.

“I wish we lived in a world where I could tell my daughter she is free to….” If, as the Bible says, we are not the owners of our bodies, nobody is free to wear what he wants, do what he wants and be what he wants. The woman who says she is free to wear a hijab, or to wear a hijab in certain circumstances only such as at worship or in the presence of men whom she does not know, is also saying that she considers herself unfree not to wear one in those circumstances even though there may be dissimilarly dressed women at those same circumstances claiming to be free to dress as they are. Unfree or free because of what? Not only God claims to own your body, the collective habits of other people do so as well: casual Friday is when an ethos expects you to wear casual clothes at work, ‘gay’ doesn’t mean joyful, Eric Abetz’s ‘Negro’ is ‘offensive’ (except to older ‘African-Americans’ who prefer not to be called ‘African-Americans’). “Meanwhile we can spend our lives trying to bring that more just world into being.” Actually, anathematising rules of compulsion of that just world.

The sad truth, Rachel, is that the sexual revolution which has swamped Western Society over the last fifty years has altered all the once respected rules that governed male/female relationships and promoted sex as the norm to be had by all without restraint or intersex respect. Part of this revolution was the liberation of female sexuality equating it with the perceived male freedoms which were denied women (the Female Eunuch mantra of Greer and Co). Unfortunately the young learn from what they see and hear from their peers more so than from the perceived restraints imposed by their parents for religious or simply decency reasons. Parental and religious philosophies are submerged in the sexual cyberspace which is not always healthy, legal or conducive to respectful human behaviour between the sexes. I reckon the best that a parent can do these days is control the internet for their children and throw away the mobile smart phones with internet access

I remember reading what some parents give their children to remind them just how much they love them. https://img0.etsystatic.com/041/0/8995095/il_570xN.548988768_mk5u.jpg Nature versus Grace? Ours is the choice in all things. Including the way we express our ideas, love, hate, and critique the unjust world. Though Grace, like elegance, courtesy and finesse even when speaking about all things odious is always much more apt.

Thanks Rachel, It is as it is. I watch and wonder at my grand daughter's future as well. It's a fine line to tread, a balance which a mother seeks. It's a journey which brings joy and occasional anxiety. I wish you and your daughter much joy on her path to womanhood, hoping she finds her way with confidence, and reaches her potential safe and happy.

I don't think you can blame the supposed 'decline in morals' ushered in by The Pill for the incidence of rape in today's society. Rape has been around from time immemorial. The so called 'Moral Nineteenth Century' - the time of Dr Arnold and his Evangelical 'Muscular Christianity' - was a time when London was full of child prostitutes. Don't tell me this was not sexual exploitation of women very much like today's sex trafficking. Up until fairly recently it was extremely difficult for a woman to lodge a rape claim with the police, who were mostly male and not trained to deal sympathetically with this. Women were also often browbeaten in court by defence barristers. Women's liberation has brought all this to light and changed things vastly for the better. What really worries me is the incidence of some of the dreadful online pornography made commercially in places like California, the UK and Germany which involves dreadful sadomasochistic scenes between supposedly consenting adults. Some people get addicted to this. Some think it 'normal'. There are disturbing instances of children watching this and trying to act out these scenarios.

My wife and I have raised two lovely women who are now making their mark in society ,one is married, the other yet to do so. While we were concerned for their welfare, I can't recall being overly concerned for their relationships with the male of the species. All the guys in their lives have been courteous and respectful. I feel sometimes that we vastly underrate our girls' ability to be aware and alert but not afraid. Thank God most men are not sexual predators, sadly the actions of the few damage the reputation of the whole.

Hi Rachel! Great to read this piece. Thank you. Alas, the world is risky for women and for all. I hope the young ones enter it with a new fearlessness, courage, than l knew 7 decades ago. Alas, again, it remains largely a man's world, with the bad boys running amok as we speak.