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A wild new pope

  • 12 March 2013

Wool gathering

dignitasExtra omnes! Good morning, fresh Princes, good morning indeed ... Salvç!(O God, come to my aid. O Lord, make haste to help me.)Papabillies! Do come in gents, please do. Veloce!Sit down. No, no need for the sella stercoraria these days, hah?(Flogged it off to Louis XVIII? in the Louvre? that 'old insane fable'.)Take the banana lounge, there, George. Yes. In the corner.Now, as cardinal camerlengo I insist: Incommunicado. No more tweets.No more nuisance priests barbecuing snapshots of the Holy Father (Retired).No more leaks, smears, off-record quips. Apropos ...No more hide and seek with La Repubblica and Panorama.We'll need a straight-shooting heavy-hitting verticale degno.With a mop and broom, no less. And Cakeworthy qualities:'Shoes that cut and eyes that burn like cigarettes ... the right allocations,who's fast and thorough and sharp as a tack.'Who among us is diamond-minded, long-jacketed,will tour the facility 'and pick up slack'?We're chasing a two-thirds supermajority vote, so please look lively.

mos maiorumNow, confreres, confer: How's your Italiano? Your Latin?I know you sprechen sie Deutsche. The flocks are sprawlingin Latin America — 42 per cent of 1.2 billion and growing, andone-sixth of your good Cardinalities, of course — so, reveal,how's your Español? Beneplácito! Você fala Português?So, boys, do we understand each other? What's needed?You know how this must go down, ad hoc descendere.Pontifs are for heeding and leading, notcreeding or breeding. Shall we hold the line?Bottom lines remain base, unless you wannaopen the doors and let some Light in.Presto! Pass out those ballots. Only one ...Amo il mio fratello ... one per customer ...There! Now focus, please. What's that?It's getting hot in here? Yes George.The temperature's rising; accept it.Attend me; assess our unspoken need and strictures.

restitantes poenitensWe can't screw this up, frater cardinales; let us dulycontrol this process as we control ourselves. Our members. Please!(Where's a vow of paupertatis et oboedientiae, castitatis, silentiumwhen you need one?) Don't make me come down there, George ...Between me, you and the Sistine herself, confessionem tempus!It's good for what ails yer. Exhibes! Who's culpa stains Benedict'sdoomsday duo volumina? Don't cross me; one station forward, now.No-one's looking, 's'all bene ... 'fess up, placere. I'll get the biretta rolling:Deus meus, ex toto corde poenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum,eaque