Being 'myself' doesn't work. Many people seem to have this fanciful idea that if only people could let go of their fear and insecurities and just be themselves, then everything would work out fine. Unfortunately I learned very early on that for me this was not the case.
Autism typically makes people less likely to care what others think. This is definitely true in my case. When I was younger my 'default' was to just do what I wanted, to 'be myself' if you will, and not be too disturbed by if others around me were doing the same thing or not.
If it isn't obvious already, I'll tell you what happens when I put this into action. I end up alone. I am the only one not dancing. I am the only one who wants to crank the metal music at 7am after a big night out. I'm the only one who wears a perhaps less fashionable yet extremely practical wide brim hat, or who uses a 30-minute lunch break to have a powernap.
So often, when I do what I want. I do it alone. My choice often comes down to: 'Do I be myself? Or do I be around others?'
Maybe you can imagine how isolating this choice is. I like people. I want to share my experiences just like everyone else, but the version of myself that is socially acceptable is a mere shadow of my true self.
The socially acceptable me is subdued, lethargic, uninterested. It takes so much effort for me to stay engaged or to speak about something which doesn't interest me. People are a burden. What do they want me to do now? 'Just dance,' they say. 'Do whatever you feel like.'
It's too late. I have already subdued my desires for the sake of company. I cannot resurrect a modified socially acceptable version on the spur of the moment.
To illustrate, I'll tell you a story about something that happened recently. I had planned to attend a professionally organised BBQ on the beach with a large group of backpackers. I was excited in anticipation of a fun day out. I love the beach and hadn't been in so long. I also love meeting new people, especially travellers because they are typically more open than most.
The day of the BBQ came and the forecast was for thunderstorms and rain. Pelting rain out my bedroom window confirmed this situation but did little to dampen my enthusiasm. The temperature was still quite warm and the rain would be some added adventure. Swimming in the rain is actually really fun.
I even had the crazy idea that I might be able to convince some of the random people I haven't met yet to come skinny-dipping with me. It seemed the perfect opportunity, since the beach would be deserted in the rain. What fun! I was even more excited! This had the potential to be a fantastic day!
Unfortunately the others didn't see it that way. The BBQ was cancelled because of the weather and no-one took me up on my offer to go anyway.
So I went by myself. I took the train by myself. I ate lunch by myself. I walked on the beach by myself and went swimming by myself.
As it turned out, the storm passed quite early in the day, so by the time I arrived there was nothing but beautiful sunshine all afternoon. It was actually a really nice day. I enjoyed myself immensely. But it was just another reminder of how 'alone' I am. Even when attending a pre-organised event at the beach on a beautifully sunny day, I still end up alone. Doing my thing. Being myself. Alone.
There are precious few times when my desires have matched with the people around me and these have been some of the best times of my life. So I guess I should be happy to wait for the right person and the right place and the right time.
Too often though, this feels like little consolation. The everyday choice remains. Do I do what I feel, or do I be with other people? From experience I know how good social interaction is for me. It's absolutely crucial for my mental health, for example. It's just a pity that I can't get it by 'being myself'.
I've been very well trained. It's not difficult to fit in. I just need to make sure that I don't forget that this version of me is not all of me.
So I every now and then I still practice acting on my impulses and hope that one day I can find someone who can share them with me.
Paul Micallef is studying to become a spiritual director and works for the I CAN Network as a mentor for young people on the Autism Spectrum. Previously he worked as an aircraft structural engineer for Boeing in Port Melbourne and Seattle.
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