The first I knew that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were in Australia was when I had to provide my name during a recent retail transaction. 'Oh, I bet you're getting lots of people calling you Meh-gan!' the man behind the counter said. To which I responded in a very unrefined tone: 'What?'
He went on to say that with Harry and Meghan 'here', and with the particular pronunciation of her name, everyone must be pronouncing my name the same as hers. It was only then that a tiny piece of media fluff, apparently free-floating in my subconscious for some time, rose to the surface and I became conscious that the new royal couple were actually in the country.
That's the extent to which the royal family and all news related to them goes straight to the 'irrelevant' folder in my brain. A friend's Facebook post last week sums up my feelings about it. It was about people saying to her 'The royals are doing a wonderful job' and her rather perfect response: 'At what?!'
A few comments on her post are worth a mention. One person said the royals were good at making them hate breakfast television shows. Another said they were good at causing traffic problems. A third said they were doing a good job of saving Australia from a presidential system of government — a sentiment many would agree with as we watch dumbly at what the US presidential system is now delivering.
When it comes to royal visits, it could only have an impact on me in one very specific and unlikely scenario: if I worked in the marketing department at Burberry. In which case my response would be more 'let them eat cake' than 'off with their heads'. But I may be getting a bit off point.
Yes, we are a Commonwealth with prime ministers who in theory still 'answer to' the Queen. Yes, her family features prominently in the founding documents of colonial Australia. And yet to me, the couple's 'baby news' or Queen Elizabeth's latest Burberry blazer or Harry's temporary abstinence from alcohol are all nothing more than background noise that at times like now gets unbearably loud.
I think at some level, the majority of us understand that the royal family are a spectacle, with the main winning feature being plain old continuity — which brings a sense, almost, of immortality due to the fact the royals are essentially professionals at reproducing.
"Their job is to look immaculate and appear healthy, be agreeable to the largest number of people, and find a suitable partner with whom to reproduce."
While I don't 'get it' personally, I do understand the purpose it serves in society. A bit like following a particular sport or team — the result of a game has no material impact on a fan's life, but it is a spectacle, and there's always more of it to be had. A big difference, though, is that a sport involves skill, hard work and strategy, which all make them interesting.
Yet the royal family can boast more in the way of continuity than a sporting team can. In our modern world where rapid change is the new norm, continuity has a certain appeal. We have a revolving door of prime ministers; people change jobs far more often in their lifetimes than they used to; and many of us under age 40 are forced to keep renting due to house prices — I have had to move no less than 13 times in eight years because of the instability of renting.
There's a sense that things are more fleeting and fickle than ever before. And that's where the royal family fills a void. They keep their opinions as inoffensive as possible so as to always stay out of trouble. They do not intervene with the governing of countries, nor own much in the way of a real opinion. You can rely on them to keep toeing the same line: the line of inoffensiveness. Their job is to look immaculate and appear healthy, be agreeable to the largest number of people, and find a suitable partner with whom to reproduce.
According to mainstream Australian culture, the average person born into wealth — who does nothing to 'deserve' it or contribute to society in ways that are actually commensurate with their riches — should be the subject of ridicule, even hostility. That sense of entitlement, of having not had to work hard for what you get, goes against some stock standard values our society holds dear. Values like hard work, 'having a go', or being given 'a fair go'.
Yet the notion of 'earning your way' is abandoned in the general treatment of Harry and Meghan. In fact the royal family represents the exact opposite of that principle. It's a system that operates on the rule that being born with 'royal blood' warrants a lifetime of ridiculous wealth, privilege and reverence before one can even talk.
In all this royal hysteria, are we neglecting other real world issues? Of course. That much is clear when the following warranted 'breaking news' a while back: 'Meghan Markle pronounces scone like the British.' Then there's the video 'Watch Meghan Markle do her make-up in an Uber', which has had 2.2 million views on YouTube.
When the rest of our headlines in Australia are dominated by the rising cost of living, the housing affordability crisis, slow wage growth and an inquiry into a horribly corrupt banking system that has been ripping ordinary people off for years, the mind boggles at the cognitive dissonance required to not see a problem with these topics sharing space in our daily news.
But, that's never gotten in the way of escapist obsessions before, and it's unlikely to change now. The royals clearly serve a need for so many people, and that's why they remain. But, if no one minds, I think I'll continue ignoring Harry and Meghan. Or at least try to — when I go to type my own name in this 'Google Doc' it automatically changes it to the Duchess' spelling instead.
Apparently I have no choice but to engage, at least a bit, in the royal spectacle — for better or worse ... 'til a Republic do us part.
Megan Graham is a Melbourne based writer.
Main image: Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex applaud during the medal ceremony during the JLR Drive Day at Cockatoo Island on 20 October 2018. (Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images for the Invictus Games Foundation)